6

Lesson 6:

Introduction to Difficult Conversations

As a supervisor or manager, it’s usually your responsibility to oversee workplace behaviour and employee performance. Sometimes, employees may not meet company expectations, and it may be important to address such issues with these employees.

These conversations can be challenging, but they can also provide an opportunity for professional growth and development. In this lesson, we discuss how to have difficult conversations with your employees, examine the reasons behind such discussions, and share tips for making these conversations effective and productive.

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Many people dread hearing, “We need to talk.” Those words are usually a sign of something serious. “What did I do?” you might immediately think, followed by, “Am I in trouble?” Defenses raised, you brace yourself for the conversation ahead.

Being on the receiving end of such a confrontation is never fun. No one wants to hear about their shortcomings or that they’ve done something wrong. However, initiating these discussions can be just as uncomfortable. You don’t want to “rock the boat,” make things worse, or be attacked by the other party. No matter which side you’re on, a difficult conversation is challenging.

Risks of Avoidance

Even so, difficult conversations are necessary. You may need to confront a team member about their behaviour, give someone negative feedback, or have a frank discussion with your boss. Regardless of the situation, dealing with it head-on is the best course of action. Avoiding difficult conversations can lead to more problems in the long haul. When managed effectively, they can also lead to greater self-awareness, improved relationships, and positive outcomes. Please review the three risks of avoiding conflict and difficult conversations listed in the bullets below.

1. Inflating the Problem
   When we let our frustrations fester, we tend to play them over and over again in our heads. The more we think about them, the bigger and more complex they become.
   For example
   Imagine that a chatty coworker is interrupting your focus. You choose not to say anything, even though they’re impacting your ability to get work done. Instead, you see the silently. After a while, every little thing about your coworker bothers you, from the way they chew their food to how their chair scrapes across the floor.
2. Misinterpreting the Situation
   Even though we’d like to be right all the time, that’s not always the case. Misinterpreting a situation, especially if you don’t take the time to collect all the facts, is all too easy.
   For example
   Your employee Kendra has been gunning for a promotion, but when an opportunity opened up recently, you chose someone with more experience. Now, Kendra is distant and turning in projects late. You assume she’s angry about the promotion. What you don’t know is that an issue at home is disrupting her concentration at work.
3. Missing Opportunities for Growth
   As difficult as confrontation can be, it’s an opportunity for you and the other party to work through issues, foster self-awareness, and make positive changes.
   For example
   Your colleague Manuel is giving you the cold shoulder at work. Even though you feel awkward, you ask Manuel if something is wrong. He takes a deep breath and shares that a recent comment you made offended him. You apologize for what you said and resolve to be more careful with your words in the future.

Reasons for Difficult Conversations

The reasons you may have a difficult conversation with an employee include:

• Performance-related concerns
  If you’re an employee, your manager or coworkers may express their concerns about your performance through difficult conversations. They might share examples of the problem behaviour and ask you for suggestions for improvement.
• Deciding whether to terminate
  Deciding whether to terminate an employee. If you’re a supervisor, it’s likely that you may consider terminating an employee at some point in your career. This might not be easy and requires following company policies for this type of conversation.
• Coaching
  As a supervisor, there might be times when you may coach an employee on how they can improve performance or behaviour. This type of conversation is difficult, but it’s important for the employee’s development.
• Disciplinary action
  If an employee has breached any policy, you may consider taking disciplinary action. This may involve a verbal warning, a written warning, or termination.

Steps for Having Difficult Conversations

By using the four steps below, you can make having difficult conversations a little bit easier. These steps can be used for engaging with an employee for perf concerns, deciding whether to terminate, coaching or for a disciplinary meeting.

Step 1: Prepare

Before you engage with the other party, prepare for the conversation. Consider the issue from all angles. Are you overlooking something? Have you misread the situation? What questions do you need to be answered? In addition, engage in gathering your thoughts so you can adopt the right mindset. Deal with your emotions—whether you feel angry, hurt, sad, or resentful—so those feelings don’t hinder constructive and effective conversation. Focus on your goal for the conversation, rather than your personal feelings. This will make determining the resolution and how to achieve it much easier. Try to imagine how the other party could react to the conversation in multiple ways. Put yourself in their shoes. Ask yourself, how might you feel? Practice your response for both the best- and worst-case scenario/responses.

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Preparation Ideas:

Review the preparation ideas below to learn how to prepare for difficult conversations:

1. How to approach the issue
   This may help you stay focused during the conversation. You can also think about how the employee might respond so you can plan your responses in accordance with their concerns and expectations. You can also write an outline of your main points to help you stay on topic and cover all the information. Consider rehearsing your conversation a few times so you feel more comfortable discussing sensitive topics. For example, if the employee becomes defensive or argumentative, it’s important to stay calm and maintain control of the conversation.
2. Brainstorm Ways to Offer Support
   Another way to prepare is to brainstorm ways you can offer support to the other party. Some difficult conversations involve delivering bad news or taking something away from someone. In these cases, offer support or an alternative option. For example, if you’re choosing another candidate for a promotion, you might deliver the bad news, but offer your mentorship and another opportunity that will increase their chances of receiving a future promotion. Or, if a coworker needs help on a project but you’re already slammed, offer to take on a smaller role instead.
3. Choose the Right and Place
   Select a time for your conversation that is less disruptive to the employee’s schedule. For example, avoid scheduling a tough conversation right before a big meeting or presentation. This meeting may upset the employee, so consider discussing at a time that minimizes the effects on your team, like the end of a day or the end of the week. When choosing a time and place for the conversation, try to pick a private location during lunchtime or in the middle of a shift, for example, so you can focus on the discussion without interruptions. It’s essential to give the employee your undivided attention. Preparing for a difficult conversation allows you to better understand the situation, your motives, and how to resolve the issue. Next, we’ll look at how to frame your message in a way that opens—rather than blocks—the lines of communication.

Step 2: Frame it Effectively

The next step is to frame your message effectively. The first thing you say in a difficult conversation can change the other person’s interpretation of everything that follows. For example, imagine that you’re leading the development of your team’s first product knowledge base. You delegate the first three articles to a colleague. You review your colleague’s work and realize that he’s missed the mark.

Review the following scenario and compare two approaches to this difficult conversation. Think to yourself, which one is more effective?

1. First Approach: “Are you kidding? None of these articles are helpful. You’re leaving all of the work to the customer. How’s a customer supposed to know what you’re talking about? You need to be 10 times more thorough in your work.”
2. Second Approach: “This is a solid start, but we’re not there yet. This knowledge base has so much potential to improve our customers’ experience while also reducing the burden on our support team. I’d love your help exploring some creative ways we can make these articles as intuitive for our customers as possible.”

In both examples, you’re communicating an issue with your coworker’s articles, and you want your coworker to add more detail to them. While the message doesn’t change, the second approach is far more effective. It focuses on the shared goals of both parties involved, and it invites the other party to embrace an opportunity for growth.

Tips for Framing Effectively

Review the tips below to learn how to frame difficult conversations effectively:

1. Reassert Shared Goals or Interests: Remind the employee of shared goals or interests to frame the conversation as working towards a common objective.
2. Share Strengths Before Addressing Weaknesses: Start by acknowledging the employee’s strengths before addressing areas that need improvement to reduce defensiveness.
3. Recognize challenges and express appreciation: This allows open space to discuss issues honestly without placing blame.
4. Acknowledge Shortcomings: Acknowledge your own shortcomings to encourage vulnerability and promote working through difficult topics together.
5. Consider Other Persons Point of View (POV): Consider the employee’s perspective and assume good intentions. For example, you can start the conversation by using “From your point of view, I can see why you might ____.”
6. Present the Facts: In the meeting presenting relevant facts and data helps to eliminate misinterpretation. For example, having data, previous PIPs, specific examples etc. Also be sure to ask for confirmation to ensure the employee understands the situation.

After framing your message effectively, the next step is to discuss the issue. This involves both parties sharing their perspectives, challenges, and goals.

Step 3: Discuss the Issue

It’s finally time to discuss the issue. Remember that a discussion is two-sided and it leaves space for both parties to express their feelings, interpretations, feedback, or disagreement.

Steps for Discussing the Issue

1. Start by stating the facts. Give a specific example of the behavior that you wish to discuss.
2. Share your interpretation or impact statement. Discuss either your interpretation of the facts or the impact they had on you and others.
3. Ask for the other person’s view. Listen carefully and seek to understand their context and interpretation of the situation.

Active Listening

Once you give the floor to your coworker, use active listening to show that you’re engaged in what they have to say. Active listening is paying attention to someone’s words, tone, voice, and expressions. Unlike hearing, which is automatic, listening takes work. Be engaged and alert, and place all your focus on the speaker.

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For example, before responding to an employee’s remarks, listen carefully for any new information or additional details that may help you understand the situation better. If it’s a personal issue that requires further investigation, suggest meeting again after you’ve analyzed the situation. You can then present your findings based on what you learned.

If it’s clear that there is simply a misunderstanding about expectations or facts, thank the employee for sharing additional information and let them know that you might be evaluating this additional evidence before making your final decision.

For example, consider an employee that arrives late to work consistently. This can suggest poor time management, but when you give them a chance to explain, they may tell you they drop off three kids at three different schools each morning, for example. This helps you better understand the employee’s situation and provides you with all of the necessary facts before arriving at a conclusion.

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How to Actively Listen

Active listening requires avoiding distractions, keeping an open mind, focusing on the speaker, and not interrupting. Read below to learn more about this technique:

1. Avoid Distractions: Our minds tend to wander. To improve your focus, put down the distractions, and pay attention to the speaker. Don’t start thinking about what you need to do after this meeting. Don’t look at your phone, computer, or papers on your desk. Give the speaker your undivided attention.
2. Keep an Open Mind: We all think and express ourselves differently. When someone else is speaking, set aside your opinions, preconceived ideas, and beliefs and just listen. If you make judgments, you might jump to the wrong conclusions and compromise your ability to understand the message. Instead, consider where the speaker is coming from and try to process the information from their point of view.
3. Focus on the Speaker—Not Yourself: Often, especially in high-stress situations, we’re tempted to start thinking, “What will I say next?” But if you’re focusing on your response, then you’re not really listening. You’re going to miss part of the message. Instead, clear your mind and concentrate only on the other person.
4. Don’t Interrupt: Don’t finish someone else’s sentences. Don’t interrupt. Yes, you might have a great, relevant point, but it can wait. Be patient. If you dominate the conversation, you’ll miss part of the message. Plus, it might seem like you value your thoughts more than the other person’s. If you have a question, wait until there’s a natural pause before asking it.

Developing a Plan

Together with the employee, create an action plan for resolving the issue, if applicable. Ask the employee for feedback and suggestions for actionable steps to help manage the problem. For instance, if the employee has a conflict with a coworker, ask the employee to develop steps to resolve the conflict.

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In the case of the employee mentioned above, you might work together to create a new schedule that works for the employee. For instance, consider changing their start time to a half-hour later and shortening their lunch to a half-hour instead of one hour. This may allow them to finish their workday at the same time. It’s essential to follow all company policies for this plan, such as what to include and its timeline.

A plan should include the employee’s name, the date, the reasons for the plan, action steps with deadlines, a date for a review of the status of the plan, and signatures from all parties present. Once both sides have had a chance to share their side of the situation and to discuss a plan, the final step is to wrap up the conversation.

Step 4: Wrap Up the Discussion

The final step is to wrap up the discussion. Knowing when to end a conversation is just as crucial as knowing how to end it. If you let the dialogue drag on too long, you risk undoing any progress you’ve made. But if you end the conversation too early, you might leave important points untouched. So, how do you find the right stopping point? Consider the following questions. If you can answer yes to all four, it’s time to draw the conversation to a close.

• Have both parties had a chance to share their thoughts and concerns?
• Do you understand the other party’s point of view?
• Have all your questions been answered?
• Has a develop plan been agreed upon?

You should also end a conversation if it becomes too heated. In most cases, pressing forward will only make things worse. Ask to continue your talk later after you’ve both had a chance to calm down.

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SBI (Situation Behavior Impact) ™ Feedback Model

The SBI (Situation Behavior Impact) ™ model is a useful tool for giving feedback to employees, particularly in situations where the conversation may be difficult. Here are some steps for using the SBI model effectively:

1. Set the stage: Before diving into the specifics of the conversation, make sure that you are in a private setting and that the employee is aware of the purpose of the conversation. You may want to start by saying something like, “I’d like to talk to you about a specific situation that happened recently and provide you with some feedback.”
2. Describe the situation: Start by describing the specific situation or behavior that you want to address. Be specific and avoid generalizations. For example, “During the team meeting yesterday, when we were discussing the project timeline, you interrupted several team members and didn’t allow them to finish their thoughts.”
3. Describe the behavior: Once you’ve established the situation, describe the specific behavior that you observed. Stick to the facts and avoid making judgments or assumptions. For example, “When you interrupted your colleagues, you raised your voice and spoke over them.”
4. Describe the impact: Finally, describe the impact of the behavior on you, the team, or the project. Be specific and describe the consequences of the behavior. For example, “When you interrupted your colleagues, it made it difficult for us to have a productive discussion and slowed down the progress of the project.”

By using the SBI model, you can provide feedback in a structured and objective way, focusing on the behavior and its impact rather than making assumptions or casting judgments. This can help to keep the conversation focused and constructive, even when discussing difficult or sensitive issues.

Document the Conversation

It’s important to take notes and document all conversations with employees as a record of the interaction. This ensures there are no miscommunications. Rather than relying on memory, a comprehensive summary of your conversation keeps the information organized and factual. You can add this document to the employee’s file. Consider using a digital tool that allows you to quickly and easily create a digital file that saves your notes in one place.

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Once the meeting ends, submit an email summarizing the conversation with the employee with the proposed action steps. If applicable, attach any additional documentation or objective evidence you gathered. This can include performance reviews, past emails, spreadsheets of data, photos taken during the incident, or any other relevant material.

Set a Time to Follow-Up

Finally, set a time to follow up. Set a time to follow up with the employee to see how they are processing the conversation. You can ask how they’re doing with their action plan and see if they need any further guidance or resources. For example, if an employee has had issues submitting work on time in the past, be encouraging and supportive while reiterating the importance of completing the tasks within the designated time frame.

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